Nnoitra's How To Get Kicked Out Of Walmart
by ValentineRevenge
Summary: Here, Nnoitra  and whichever poor sap he manages to drag along with him  show us the many ways to get kicked out of Walmart. Much cursing here. No pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**Nnoitra's Guide to Getting Kicked Out of Walmart! Alright people, if you can recognize it, I don't own it. Means that I don't own Walmart, the Bleach cast, or this list. Yeah, I found it on the internet, and have no idea who it really belongs to, if anyone. And before ya ask, 'Why Nnoi?', ya ever seen a 7 ft. tall spoon doing stupid ass shit? No? Well now ya will...**

"Remind me why we have to go to the human world, and to Walmart of all fuckin' places?" Nnoitra asked as he stepped through the gargantua. "Cuz that fucker Aizen insists that as Espada, we have to take responsibility and all that shit. 'Sides, where the fuck in Hueco-fuckin-Mundo are we gonna get anything even vaguely resembling supplies?"Grimmjow snarled, kicking a rock aside with his sneaker.

"Dunno, man. An we even gotta wear these fuckin' gigai and human clothes. I mean, we're gonna take over their pathetic lil' world soon, why the hell are we supposed to blend in?"

"Shut up."

"What? I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't the only one who heard what Aizen was saying in the meeting this morning. I mean, it'd really suck if I couldn't hear out of one ear or some shit like that."

"Ya do know that we look like a couple of fuckin' fags shopping together...Now get the fuckin' cart."

At this, Nnoitra stopped, glaring down at the shorter man. "What the fuck Grimmjow? I'm too tall for that shit. I'll be all hunched over it 'n shit."

"I don't give a fuck." Grimmjow said with an apathetic shrug.

"Don't make me go bankai on your sorry ass!"

"Dipshit! You really lost half your brain when you lost yer eye. Shinigami wear black. They don't look like a piece a fuckin' Swiss cheese. They don't have pieces a bone stickin' ta them. They have bankai and shikai. Espada and Arrancar wear white. They have holes in them an pieces a bone on the outside. They have Ressurreccion."

"That's what I meant to say!" Nnoitra said, raising his hand hopefully, one finger raised high.

"B.S."

"Well shut the fuck up or I'm gonna go Pray Santa Theresa on yer sorry ass."

"Fine, but know that when we get back to Hueco Mundo, I'm squashing you like the miserable bug that you are."

"Grab the damn cart."

"Fuckwad."

"Dickwad."

"Cunt."

"Overgrown pussy!"

" What the FUCK did you just call me?"

"Just get th' fuckin' cart."

Grumbling and cursing under his breath, Grimmjow got the cart, making sure to run over the Spoon's overgrown feet in the process. "Yaaaah! That was m' fuckin' foot!" Nnoitra yelled, hopping up and down, holding one foot in his hand. A lady with a small child gave him a disapproving glare and hurried away, tugging the child behind her.

"Well ya did want me to get the fuckin' cart."

"Fuck you."

"Sorry, I don't do favors."

Entering the building, Grimmjow hissed at the sudden blast of cold air that surrounded him.

"Good morning! Welcome to Walmart!" A little old lady wearing a blue smock chirped from her place inside the door.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever bitch. Shut the fuck up!" Grimmjow yelled at her in anger. There was a tense moment of silence, before the little old lady replied, "What did you say, Sonny? I didn't hear ya!"

"Ya fuckin' deaf old bitch! I said to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Grimmjow bellowed.

Glaring at the two, the woman bustled off. "Good fuckin' riddance." the Sexta muttered. "Jeesh, Grimm. She's just someone's granny here workin' cause she's bored or some shit. No need to get yer panties inta a twist over it." Nnoitra said with a shrug.

Just then, the old lady returned, and said in her shrill voice, "Yep, that's the hooligan who cursed at me, and his boyfriend. Didn't his mother ever teach him to have manners for his elders?" The Espada turned, and saw the greeter that they'd previously cursed at following behind the store manager, who looked like he could be an ex-lineman. "Hey you! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" The manager asked, directing his furious glare at the bluenette.

" I don't see how the fuck what kind of a mouth I kiss my mother with is any of yer fuckin' business, sissy boy!"

"Well sirs, I have to ask you to leave this premises before I call the cops on you."

" 'The fuck does that mean?"

"Grimmjow, that means that either we high-tail it outta here like we're runnin' from another Justice lecture, or this dude is gonna call some fugly ass cops to go throw ya in a jail cell for the rest of eternity."

"Eternity?"

"Nah, seriously? For like .5 of a second. Of course I mean eternity! There's some things you just can't get away with doing an' cussin' out someone's lil' ol' granny is one a them!"

A perplexed look on his face, the manager replied, "Sir, I suggest you do what your...ahem...partner suggests, and leave now."

"This lanky ass bastard ain't nothin' special to me!"

Sighing dramatically, Nnoitra looked at the manager and greeter apologetically, before he said, "Please ignore him, he get's cranky if you try to wake him up before noon."

"The hell I do!"

Seeing no alternative, the Spoon swooped in, catching the other man's lips in a quick kiss, leaving him shocked, before grabbing him by the arm, and proceeding to drag him out the door. The old woman, however, said, "You should get away from that man before you wind up in the hospital, hon!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Nnoitra's Guide to Getting Kicked Out of Walmart! Alright people, if you can recognize it, I don't own it. Means that I don't own Walmart, the Bleach cast, or this list. Yeah, I found it on the internet, and have no idea who it really belongs to, if anyone. And before ya ask, 'Why Nnoi?', ya ever seen a 7 ft. tall spoon doing stupid ass shit? No? Well now ya will...**

Once again, Grimmjow and Nnoitra were in Walmart. But this time, thankfully, Aizen had thought to send Ulquiorra along with them, in hopes that it would keep the unruly two in line. For a while, it seemed to work. Until they happened to pass through the cosmetics aisle. Seeing one of the sample counters, Nnoitra eyed it with curiosity. Seeing that Ulquiorra was currently occupied with trying to get Grimmjow to stop being a dilweed and for the love of Aizen to put back that potted plant, our beloved Spoon stepped over to it in two strides. Just cause he's that tall.

Once there, he busied himself with eyeliner, white powder, and various shades of green eyeliner. 15 minutes later, Nnoitra looked even scarier than usual. Ulquiorra had finally managed to separate Grimmjow from the potted plant, which looked rather relieved to be left alone, and now came back to get Nnoitra. The duet, however, froze in shock when they saw the Quinta.

Grimmjow was the first to break the silence. "What the fuck?"

Nnoitra had done his make-up to look like Ulquiorra. "Lookit, Ulqui-chan! We're twins!"

Gathering whatever was left of his composure and hoping that his mouth wasn't gaping open, he said, "Nnoitra, I do not believe that Lord Aizen has sent you to the human world to make a mockery of yourself. Wipe that non-sense off your face this instant. And for the love of Aizen, put your eye-patch back on."

"But Ulqui-chan! You wear this gunk! And ya don't wear an eye-patch!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Nnoitra's Guide to Getting Kicked Out of Walmart! Alright people, if you can recognize it, I don't own it. Request for this chapter from roranora asura  
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Nnoitra was back in Walmart. Oh, joy! This time, he was with Harribel. And boy, was he surprised when she walked right into the intimate apparel section. She didn't seem to notice or care that the overgrown Spoon had followed her. Just as he prepared to sneak off to create more havoc, she stopped him. "Nnoitra. Don't you dare sneak away and get yourself into more trouble."

A glare followed this, leaving the Spoon to wither. He stuck his tongue out at the 3rd Espada the moment her back was turned. All in all, he felt like a rebellious 5 year old. Standing there without anything to do, he quickly got bored. Then, he realized what he was standing next to. The women's undies. A large grin spread across his face. "Perfect." He muttered. Glancing around guiltily, he quickly rooted through the rack until he found what he was looking for. All the way at the back, the biggest size.

Without further ado, Nnoitra removed the bra from it's hanger, and draped it over his head in a manner reminiscent of the goggles used by pilots of days long gone. Then, he started to run around making rather loud airplane noises. Harribel looked over at him, and muttered, half to herself, "I didn't think that he could get into trouble, but I believe I was wrong..."

Just then, the manager walked up to Nnoitra and tapped him on the elbow, and said in a loud voice, "Sir? Sir, I need to ask you to-"

But was promptly cut off by Nnoitra blowing a rather loud raspberry at the poor man.

Now, I won't go into details here, but let's just say that Nnoitra was arrested, and was asked to attend a court hearing for inappropriate public behavior. Aizen had to bail him out of jail. On the way back to Las Noches through Hueco Mundo and the Gargantua, Harribel gave him a sound whacking over the head. (More like over the back. :P)


	4. Chapter 4

It's 3 AM. Nnoitra has sneaked out of Hueco Mundo, along with Ylfordt. They were headed into Walmart, to wreak some havoc. They walk in, ignoring the greeter. Who the fuck has a greeter stationed there at fucking 3 in the fucking morning? Anywhore, Ylfordt turned to Nnoitra and asked, So what're we gonna do?

Probably go in the undies section... Duh! Nnoitra said, making a beeline to the womens underwear area. And coming out of the dressing room, who should they see but Grell?

Grell?

Ylfordt?

Oh my gosh, what're you doing here? Grell squealed, attacking the blonde in a huge hug.

Don't forget our mission! Nnoitra yelled.

Of course! The mission! You're gonna help us, Grell! Ylfordt yelled, dragging the red-head back into the dressing room. Nnoitra followed.

15 minutes later, they emerged, Grell wearing lacy red women's underwear and a bra, which Nnoitra and Ylfordt had both glared at him for. You're a man, ya don't got tits! Was the Spoon's take on it. Oh, but a proper lady never goes out without wearing a brassiere, regardless of her bust size! Grell said, batting his eyelashes. The Spoon was left rolling his eye. Ylfordt came out wearing overly short shorts and a baggy tank top. Thankfully he was decent enough to spare us the sight and shave his body hair.

Nnoitra, however, (of course) wasn't so easy on the eyes. He too, wore booty shorts, and a string bikini tank top, showing off hairy legs, pits, stomach, and chest. Lets go!

Soon, they rigged up a stereo system to blast raunchy songs, and they began to dance, jumping on a display bed like it was a trampoline. As it was nearly 4 AM by the time they managed to get to this stage, nearly nobody was around, so there was nobody to complain about the unsightly sight. However, nearly 2 hours later, the night shift manager walked over to them. He looked like he was a college kid barely into his second year, and he seemed quite bewildered with what to do with the trio in front of him, besides shield his poor, tormented eyeballs.

The poor guy looked traumatized. Uh... Sirs? He asked. Da fuck ya want! Nnoitra yelled back, continuing to bounce on the bed, adding in a few toe-touches like the sort that cheerleaders do for emphasis. Who knew the overgrown bastard could be so flexible? You're... eh... disturbing the... um... other... uh... people... the manager said, his eyes wide. Then, woe of woes, the song Gungdam Style began playing on the radio. The trio, still bouncing on the bed, exchanged a look, before all 3 yelled, in sync with the song, OPEN CONDOM STAR!

The manager rolled his eyes, and walked off. Let the day manager deal with these idiots. 


End file.
